Life · is · Just · This

Story of my life really. I haven't updated in quite a bit. But I've been chatting with old friends a bit recently and I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one dealing with things. I guess maybe we're all just a little selfish and therefore maybe we expect to much or something. Either way...we end up disappointed when we have no reason probably to be such.

Had the day off from the hospital today for a Nor'Easter. Go figure. Didn't get much done, probably just shoulda sucked it up and gotten ahead because now its 1130pm and I'm not sleeping and it's really just too late to start anything and/or the things I need to be doing are sprewn around the apt and someone is sleeping. I mean we had a good day of more or less nothingness which is always nice...but in retrospect...shoulda done some stuff prolly. Now tomorrow morning might be a little hectic because I have to get a bunch of stuff packed up before I leave since I'll be leaving straight from the hospital for MD for the weekend. I don't really love leaving for the weekends...but I only have 2 more shows until I'm a judge (cross your fingers) and then at least when I leave on the weekends I'll be being put up in hotels and making dollars for my efforts. That might be nice. I'm hoping to be able to move rabbits down here asap...I don't know when that will actually end up being...because its really dependent on where I'm living and such. I guess at the show in Richmond I'll have to ask around for places to house a handful...until I have a house/barn of my own that is.

( When it's a quarter after one and your all alone... )

I'm pretty excited to go back to NY...it's only a few more days 13/14 more days until I'll be there. It's going to be a very short trip...but its definitely worthwhile. I need some home time.
And then the semester will be basically over. We have less than a month at our externships left which is daunting. And then 5 more weeks of classes. And then we are so close to the end. We have to take the Praxis in January...the 9th to be exact. That's kinda terrifying. I hope to God I pass on the first round so that I don't have to worry about taking it again and not graduating. I suppose it's prolly silly to be worrying about it at all really.

my answers but I'm still pretty annoyed that once again this is my life...I just want to fast forward a few years and be able to get rid of some of the stupid stresses in my life so I can focus more on exactly what I want.

( well what better to do? )

blargity. a few more days until San Diego. I kinda don't want to leave, but on the other hand I just need a few days off from school and the hospital and coaching and I can't get that if I'm here.

but everyday is a new hurdle and everyday I realize a little more that despite how far I've come...I'll never be the person I could have been. Trying to make everyone happy is more than enough to keep me busy fixing myself for the rest of my life. And I don't understand why the things that are so easy for everyone else are so hard for me and vice versa.

I thought I was finally done with these nights of not sleeping, but apparently spite showed up just in time to knock me square on my ass again.

I just want some do overs.

I couldn't call my mom tonight...so hopefully she doesn't do anything rash
I didn't eat anything today...so hopefully that doesn't do anything rash to me
I haven't studied at all tonight...so hopefully that doesn't do anything rash to my grades

I haven't slept in a few days...so hopefully one more night doesn't make too much of a difference.

Why do I make myself so miserable

I never had no one
I could count on
I've been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin'
So tired of searchin'
'Til you walked into my life
It was a feelin'
I'd never known
And for the first time
I didn't feel alone

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You're right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend (my best friend)
You're my best friend (my best friend)

I want to get free. And do the passionate thing. Pronto.

My head still hurts. My back hurts and my body feels tired and I just feel off. I want to be better. I kinda wish I was home so my mom/dad could figure out what's going on for me...because it is really hard trying to be okay and deal with everything else that has to get done and try to figure out how to make a doctor see me sooner and I don't know when having a headache isn't okay and when it is and whats normal and whats not and I mean I know my face injury is in good hands cuz Steve is taking good care of it, but still...it's kinda scary not knowing what to do about the rest of the situation and I want someone to solve it for me.

So yeah...my parents are not pleased at all with my being told it will be a month before a neurologist will see me, so I don't know what my dad is gonna do about that, but...apparently he's trying to work out something to make it sooner. Hopefully they don't expect me to get to NY ne time soon because I am slammed and beginning to get behind in my work as well. I don't have time to be jetting off to NY for a doctor's appointment.

I'm kinda sad that my thought was kinda shut down. I mean I really had thought about that so long and so hard and really thought it was such a good idea for everyone, but apparently it just wasn't meant to be. So be it I guess.

I'm thinking of going to the church tomorrow nehows, if I wake up in time for the contemporary service. I haven't been to church in quite a while and seriously, I could use a little more blessing in my life apparently.

Stupid that one little thing, one little inconvenience or change of plans of unexpected turn of events gets me so worked up. Like coming out here to write on livejournal to find that livejournal is down for maintenance tonight so I have to write this in a word document to post later. Which kinda defeats the point in the first place because I don’t always want to say what I’ve written after the fact.

But ne ways. Once again. Writing after I thought I’d be asleep….it’s easier just to get up and write and such when I’m being like this because otherwise I just end up more tired in the morning from spazzing out and crying and whatever other horrible thing occurs to me while I sleep on nights like this. At least this way I’m just awake and not expecting to be lively in the morning and this way I can save myself some embarrassment of waking up a disaster in the middle of the night. Whatever, it is what it is…unfortunately I don’t have much I want to say tonight anyways.

( ”A )

I'm really quite bored by that idea. I don't expect the test to be all that difficult...but I mean I say that now and might kick my ass all the way back to VA tonight.

This has been a long ass week and really its only Monday. Dag. But at least the weekend has potential.

( left over from Sunday morning )

3rd week of classes in progress...btw. I'm eating some gross yogurt...because they always give me yogurt, and I never eat it and I feel kinda guilty for taking it if I don't eat it. Wasn't expecting it to taste like crap. I think I definitely have some sensory processing disorder, because this yogurts texture is making me wanna gag, and the texture of bananas makes me gag. I know, I know, totally irrelevant and no one cares. I'm just saying tho...throwing it out there.

Class is so miserable its ridiculous. We have a guest speaker right now, and next class too...but although we all know social rules and rude vs appropriate theres about 12 of us using our laptops and being pretty rude. We just can't help it. It's impossible to actually listen to the same crap every week...which is essentially what this is at this point because we have tons of clinical experience, we know this stuff already.

Did some online shopping in class. That was happy making for the time being. I mean in reality it's money I shouldn't have spent...but seriously...don't tell me that...let me have my satisfaction until the bill comes at least.